Open Letters to The Universe

Society deems some topics to be unspeakable, I am here to speak them.
?Who am I
 Most individuals who find themselves crossing my path can't really get a handle on my true personality, this little autobiography is going to give you that insight that others so desperately want

I grew up in a farm house on the out skirts of town. I was the last of nine children conceived by a midwife and a blind genius. There is twenty years between my eldest brother and I, but Ironically my life is expected to expire long before his. I had four brothers, Eldest is an Alcoholic, Twin brothers moved many states away to lead very successful lives, and my last brother is in the Air force as a mechanic these days. I had four sisters as well, the eldest is a moderately successful school bus driver, next step down works for the peace corp, next step down has been placed in a group home for the mentally unstable, and the last sister still lives at home with my mother.  Despite all originating from that disturbed home we all lead very different lives, I dare to say I may be the only one that has a true shot at reviving my life.
Because I have fought to seperate myself from my past and my biological family. I have come to understand that I will need to work twice as hard as the average person to achieve the same results due to my mind being flawed. I have become quite successful at my work, I'm attending college to further myself in life, and I've come to terms with who I really am.
The incidents that have truly shaped my lives may seem insignificant to someone who hasn't seen a kitten boiled alive or her father laying in a pool of his own blood...But they are quite important to me.

My story is long and sad so I will only touch on the most important moments. My first memories span everything from gripping the legs of a chair as my mother beat me with a spelling book to desperately clawing at my sister's face as she attempted to drown me. My biological mother had long since decided the best way to mother children was to beat them till they stopped crying or to kill their animals if they failed to comply. She once took the kitten from my hands and placed it into a pot of boiling water because I had forgotten to feed its mother, I cannot begin to explain the pain that bled from my heart the day I heard that kitten die.  On another occasion I hadn't put the dishes away so my mother screamed at me while beating me with a iron skillet as I scrambled to get the dishes put away...I now have three displaced disks in my back and chronic pain. She would get overwhelmed on a daily basis and attack the nearest child, I got a pair of scissors inbended in my shoulder. She picked up one of our cats and slammed it into the kitchen floor, she kept swinging until blood covered the counters and all the children were crying. She told me I was a disgusting, fat, disgrace...Then preceeded to slash at my chest with a butcher knife. She was attempting to cut off my breasts. My Mother beat me to the ground on a daily basis over minor problems, stabbed me with scissors on more than one occasion, killed every animal I loved, and ultimately drove me to anorexia. 

The hardest chapter of my story? My siblings did not protect me or each other...They abused me as well. My older sister got mad I had conditioner left in my hair one night, ran a bath for me, and held me under water until my father pulled her off of me. My brother snapped my ankle because I was in his seat, now it pops and aches constantly.  The same brother threw me into a table because I gave away his hiding place in a game of hide and seek. Another sister liked to get me lost in the woods just before dark because she knew I had residual trauama from my rape that caused me to hyperventilate if alone in the woods. My oldest brother threw my cat against a wall until she was to weak to get up, when I ran to retrieve her he threw his bottle of whiskey at my head. The worst of all had to have been the day my brother released the belt of a treadmill from it's stand, it fell onto my head and ripped off my eye lid/ eye brow...I now have uneven eyelids causing many a questioning look from strangers.  This is just a small snippet of what I have seen.


When I was 13 a family friend had finally picked up on the abuse, she was once my mother's best friend, and she visited my home frequently. When she realized there was no way I was going to get away from my family until I was 18 she hugged me tightly and whispered in my ear, "It'll all be okay one day. I promise you that. Stay strong, you can make it." I held onto this moment in time for the next 5 years. When I turned 18 she welcomed me into her home, hid my car in her garage so my biological mother wouldn't find me, and ultimately became my mother. 

In that same year, March the 13th of 2013 to be exact, my childhood dog was murdered infront of me. Her name was Shadow, she was all I ever had. She had been given to my older sister as a present when I was only 1, but she quickly bonded to me. We grew up together, she went on every vacation, rode on the front of my bicyle as I rode through my neighborhood , and even defended me to the best of her abilities. Despite being only 4lbs, she would still bite the life out of anyone who hurt me. I was showering when my sister grabbed my little friend and took her to the creek behind our home. No one stopped her as she held Shadow under water with one hand and her 6 month old child with the other. I remember coming running around the corner begging her to stop just as Shadow's lungs gave up. I ran to the edge of the creek as a rage I can't explain  flooded into my viens, I reached the edge of that creek and I screamed. I screamed so loud I coughed up blood as I tore Shadow from Sarah's hands. Everything in me begged me to kill her, every fiber of my being wanted to slam Sarah's head into the near by logs until her eyes burst from her twisted head. She yelled, "She was nothing more than a sack of trash! I did you a favor!!" I rose from the ground holding my dead dog, holding the only thing that ever loved me as deeply as I loved the world, and I screamed back, "You don't understand what you've done. If I was as ignorant as you I would murderyou  right here and now. I would slam your head into those logs until your eyes gushed blood and tears. Then I would throw you into the same waters that stole my friend from me and I would end your retched life. I would do you the favor you claim to have done me, BUT you have a child. You have a baby that will need her mother one day, two world's don't need to be broken today." 
That was the day I realized I was just as violent as all of my biological family memebers, but I was smart enough to understand that retalliation will not fill the gap in my heart. I walked away that day and I kept walkin for months. I could never look at her the same again for she stole the only thing I had from me. 

After all was said and done, I became a produtive member of society because of my history. I can relate to many weary souls, I can spot a abuser a mile off, I understand the consequences of any action, and I'm able to offer advice where no one else can. Because I have experienced the trauma of rape twice in my life time, I have helped other women come to terms with their experiences. My biological family has taught me to never judge a book by its cover, for that is how my abusers never got caught. I've learned how to defend myself and survive just about anything. Since I have seen things so gruesome I cannot explain, not many things can phase me. 

You see, I am a woman who is known for her infectous smile and deep insight. I understand that everyone has stories they will never tell, but that won't stop me from asking. I've learned to smile through the hardest times, how to read even the most monotone voices, and when you just gotta throw in the towel. I've made it my mission in life to hold the hand of anyone who needs me to, to bring alittle happiness to the most solemon times, and to always have the right words to fill a broken silence. I have become the woman I so desperately needed when I was a child. I am not afraid to intervene if it will save a soul some pain, nor am I afraid to admit I am weary. I may appear to always have a smile on my face, but that is simply because the world needs more happiness. I might not always have the right words to say, but I will hold you together when you fall apart. I may not love myself but, I do love this world. 

I have been told by many a soul that I will do great things, but our definitions may be different. I just want to be that woman who brightens your day once in a while, I want to hold you and tell you that it's OKAY to be broken. I will reignite as many firey spirits that have been snuffed out in so many young eyes. I will pave a new way to escape the hatred of the world. I will show everyone that wearing your heart on your sleeve can be a wonderful thing. I will do great things, but these things will not earn me a dime.